Seven and a half million of those stories are just excuses why people didnt vote for mayor. Most of the time thats not so bad, but New York City? Henny Youngman, The trouble with New York is that its so convenient to everything I cant afford. Jack Barry, I moved to New York City for my health. It wont take them long to tell you, just give them a few minutes to introduce themselves., 4. And even if she was from this country, no one has said bozo in 1,000 years. Your closet is filled with black clothes. 69. The streets are numbered! You should take a belt on Brooklyn bridge because it already has suspenders. Give it back! The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City., 88. How many NYC cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? Cause you can hear anything, at any hour theres always something to blame it on. Pete Holmes, Even if you like New York, youll admit its not a nice place. Most of the time thats not so bad, but in New York City? The Big Apple cant play chess since its missing two towers. Whats the difference between Middle Earth and NYC? Joe List began his comedy career in Boston, Massachusetts in 2000 just weeks after graduating from high school. Why arent Buffalo cheerleaders allowed to do the splits? My uncle ten years ago, this guy was a prominent judge in Manhattan; now hes a wino living in Central Park. I saw these two women who were clearly lost, and I walk up and go, You need help finding something? She looks up and goes, Oh no, we prefer to find it ourselves. Isnt that a weird preference? 9. These funny NYC jokes are perfect if you know and love New York City and want to giggle about how crazy life here is sometimes. Stay away from him. Look out for your first newsletter in your inbox soon! Dj vu! There you have it! Dont pee on that., 72. Two Towers. Can you tell me the only thing that grows in Buffalo? There are so many ways to die here. Keep smiling and join us on Social, we'd love to have you over. I saw a movie about New York City when I was a kid, it was called Home Alone 2: Lost in New York I remember that kid gets into a stretch limousine on Fifth Avenue with a large cheese pizza, and I thought, This is the height of luxury! Just gonna take my horse to the Old Town Bar. Studies recently showed that New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes. The end. Wyatt Cenac, In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent, quick decision that you have to make about every 20 minutes. It breaks your heart. Nothing twists my mind like New York pretzels. If this is your stop, get off. 141. Those same studies also revealed that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny." 33. On the University of Buffalo campus, what do you call a good-looking girl? In winter, Paris is the city of lights but New York is the city of tights! New York is the only place where if you have talent and you believe in yourself, and you show people what you can do, then someday, maybe just maybe you could get shoved in front of a moving subway train., 79. Good to be back on 6 Trillionth Street. Louis C.K. But Im frazzled to the point where things are a little tweaky. He was struck by another vehicle while using IMDb to see if Val Kilmer was indeed in the film Willow. I saw one guy the other day in New York, a homeless guy; he had a dog with him. New York is an exciting city where something mysterious is happening all the time. 83. They stick to the ground., 96. Tire-less. I just returned from a trip in Germany, and I realized just how awful American children are. This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. I think all the houses had a costume party and they all came as other countries. Michael ODonoghue, Seventy-two suburbs in search of a city. Dorothy Parker, In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. Groucho Marx, In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. Rita Rudner, Being a writer in Hollywood is like going into Hitlers Eagles Nest with a great idea for a bar mitzvah. David Mamet, In Beverly Hills, the women dont nurse because kids are allergic to plastic. Joan Rivers, Being a screenwriter in Hollywood is like being a eunuch at an orgy. I was stressed and unhappy with my life, so I moved to Los Angeles. Youre stretching it out, you fat pig! But theres no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving. Craig Ferguson, You dont really drive in cabs in L.A. unless youre broke or homeless or if youre broke and driving the cab. Jay Mohr, Beverly Hills is very exclusive. As he ran towards me, the doors started slowly coming together. What did the angry pepperoni say? Why did the New Yorker spray pam all over their body every night before bed? Because it was so hot in NYC today. You white folks see UFOs in your dreams. Lost in New York? By submitting your email, you agree to our Terms and Privacy Policy and to receive email correspondence from us. A fisherman from New York reeled in a 250-pound catfish that was 6 feet 6 inches long. Why dont Syracuse football players sink in the Great Lakes? Its no surprise that New York City looks terrible in the morning. This post may contain affiliate links. 4. It was like five in the morning on a weeknight. UCLA. I rode this roller coaster called the Cyclone. A nanosecond in NYC is the time it takes the car behind you to honk their horn when youre sitting at a red light that has just turned green. 4. Words cant espresso how much New York means to me. smells of the Big Apple, this local joke book delivers kid-friendly punchlines that will have readers laughing 'til they cry! Good call. First Time-rs Square is the place to be. After moving his train around the track for a minute, he stops the train and says "This is New York City. Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorkers God-given right., 97. 104. Q: Where do fat cows go on vacation? This post may contain affiliate links. I went on a Statue of Liberty boat tour. Here are some jokes about New York City that will make you smile. I didnt get much sleep. When you get there, you gotta get out like, All right, Im home. So for you to be a dildo, arrogant fan on top of that? Upstate New York can be really cold. 2. Last on the list is New York Puns. Everyone there smiles creepily all the time, and thats sort of my thing. Kenneth the Page, 30 Rock, I dont like L.A. Theres a reason I couldnt wait to leave. Yeah, my friend and I have always been passionate about you not helping us. I auditioned to live in Williamsburg but didnt get a callback. Ophira Eisenberg, Im fat in all the wrong places. Not gonna foil my creepy plans that easily! An angel is a child who has died. Monday, Feb 27, 2023 at 9:45 p.m. New York Comedy Club on 4th Street. In New York, thats from building to building. Is there a differences between New York Giants fans andTrump supporters? No one could find three wise men or a virgin. If you ever see three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument. You down with BEC? Thats what New York Citys done to me. Honestly, I don't get the big deal. You must be over 18 years old to visit this site. 77. Find more hilarious funny new york city jokes here. Hard to find four innocent people in New York., 70. Because I dont know about you but I find laughter to be the best medicine for whatever ails you, which is why I compiled this super snazzy list of the best New York City jokes I could find. What prevented Jesus from being born in New York? Its a grid system, motherfucker! Why are New Yorkers always so depressed? Everybody loves it. Because crap floats. So, yeah. A bunch of people in New York said, Gee, Im enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isnt cold enough. Its so cold here in New York that the flashers are just describing themselves. Empire State Building? 37 EPIC Classroom Chemistry Jokes Stay Positive like Proton. Theres so little greenery in NYC, it would make a stone sick.. Cause that fact is way scarier than cyclones. Q: Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York? Like, I asked my friend, I said, Man, whats a good building? He said, A good building, you got a doorman. Where you wanna go, 35th and Sixth? ! I thought, This is probably how I die, but also, how nice of him to want to introduce me to his family. Charla Lauriston, I live in New York, where in my neighborhood, a lot of dudes have handlebar mustaches. Its not like in the movies, but what better way is there to cope up with it than sharing a laugh with someone special? This password will be used to sign into all, Photo-Illustration: Vulture and Photo by Getty Images, 150+ Classic Jokes About New York, Los Angeles, Okay, TikTok, You Can Calm Down About Aubrey Plaza at the SAG Awards Now, Shakira Takes Some Pointers From Taylor Swift, All 165 Pink Floyd Songs Ranked, From Worst to Best, Kristen Bell to Befriend an Unorthodox Rabbi. Moo York. He hates New York., 91. I miss Shake Shack. Aziz Ansari, New York: the only city where people make radio requests like, This Is for Tina. When we think of New York, we think of busy streets, noisy cities and baseball. My great grandmother worked on the Underground RailroadBut since she lived in NYC, we just called it the subway. 18. New York is divine but Staten island floats my boat! Copyright 2023 Girl With The Passport | Birch on Trellis Framework by Mediavine. Give it back now! He got back in his car and he locked his doors. Louis C.K. So, stop for 2.5 seconds and do something nice for yourself by reading through this awesome New York puns now. If youve been t New York, you know that vegan puns are so corny! Ive been living in the city for 15 years; I have no idea where the train is going. Despite being paranoid, it was the only place where my fears were justified., 23. I dont belong on this train! Its great that youre able to do it. Why do people feel comfortable to do that in that situation? Although, I was at the library today. Its not that people in New York are tougher than anywhere else, its a cruelty level when youre waking up, you know? With great timing, a simple pun can make someone ROFL. Why did the New York regents decide to cover the Carrier Dome in cardboard? Buts its my move now; I got legs, too. And this guy approached me. 106. After all, it is the city that never sleeps., 26. What differentiates Middle Earth from New York City? I auditioned to live in Williamsburg but didnt get a callback., 69. Try the New York pretzels. While NYC is great, it can be frustrating at times. Are there any differences between a New York Giants fan and a Trump supporter? As a 30+ year local, I know all about the pros and cons of living in New York City. But the best/worst/best again part of Hollywood is the nonstop parade of delusion you get to see Right now there are a million people in Hollywood who are all going to make it. David Cross, I love Los Angeles. I decided that Im gonna argue with this guy, but Im gonna argue about something else. Youre either a tot or youre dead and youre an angel. Comment * document.getElementById("comment").setAttribute( "id", "a32ddda03a3495616beb7beee82b25c4" );document.getElementById("h2249d7876").setAttribute( "id", "comment" ); Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. 183. And lets not tell them either. I could see him thinking, I cant do what I normally do, which is stick out my hand and stop these doors, as Ive got these bags. Statin island. . Like Soho. Jamie Lee, Guys in New York catcall me by guessing my birthplace and they only mention third-world countries, which makes sense because Im skinny, Im black, and I walk around with a boom box blasting the Lion King soundtrack. Phoebe Robinson, I went on a Statue of Liberty boat tour. Wish Id known that before I risked my life. 50. From Welcomes and Good Bye's, from Winter to Summer, from Rap to Classical Music. Two Towers. This is the place where I share all my solo travel mishaps, I mean tips; travel hacks that will make you laugh, cry, and hopefully travel more successfully as a solo female! Why do New Yorkers like to visit Minnesota? It was like a 15-minute walk. Its like, youd get the same amount of information if you grabbed someone on the street and you were like, What happened today? and theyre like, Theres a perv in Queens! Youd be like, All right, thank you. Or, rather, its like someone read a better newspaper, and now theyre trying to text you everything they can remember. Or lets tell them as the doors are closing. I dont think things could get any Bleeker. 71. Whats up? When fat cows go on vacation, where do they go? I was walking home at 3 a.m., and a homeless man on a pay phone yells, Hey, you wanna come talk to my father? You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. Lets go west. Richard Jeni, In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding. Richard Jeni, I was in New York last Christmas its snowing; theres a guy in a T-shirt. I remember seeing a headline when Tiger Woods cheated on his wife, and it says, Tiger says hes sorry, but Elin says, Beat it, bozo! No, she did not. Alongside hilarious jokes and . Im dedicated to this. Hannibal Buress, Derek Jeter, to play in the All-Star Game, he got a million votes. What do hookers, Wall Street brokers, actors, tourists, rock stars, priests, drug dealers, fashion models, tourists, bartenders, old ladies, newlyweds, and divorce attorneys have in common? I love to take the wife and kids, but its also near a sketchy neighborhood. 25. The worst is when the train goes express on a whim. Because they couldnt find 3 wise men or a virgin. Im a super quirky, 30+ year native New Yorker who wants to share the total awesomeness that is New York travel with you. This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google It does things to a person. Itll be a great place if they ever finish it., 56. And my first thought was not, He committed suicide years ago. Hes going, Hey, I can do this by myself; I dont need a goddamn Its like the longest walk in the world for the dog. Norm Macdonald, I went to Coney Island recently. Best New York City Jokes for Kids 1. And Im from fucking Pakistan. On a recent Saturday, the . They stick to the ground. There goes Obama! And Id let them have their laughs because when the condos come in, they have to leave. New York is the city that never sleeps, which is why it looks like hell in the morning. One lives in a field and is stuffed with hay. Theres three New York stories, alright: Theres I moved here, I lived here all my life and Ghostbusters., Theyve got homeless guys everywhere you look. *Sorry, there was a problem signing you up. So great intuition, random lady on the train! This website uses cookies to improve your experience. Lets just go. A guy will tell you, Yeah, Im a producer. And hes driving a cab. Freddie Prinze, I like living in L.A. One thing I dont like about living here is driving. New York is the most exciting place in the world to live. You actually take fashion seriously. Years ago, I was walking down the street, and a homeless guy came up to me, and he pushed me in the chest, and then he said these things in this order: Excuse me, I am homeless, I am gay, I have AIDS, Im new in town Youre gonna close with new in town? Love a good play on words? Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world? Give me a quarter. Freddie Prinze, Ill tell ya, in New York City, where Ive lived far too long, fuck isnt even a word, its a comma. Lewis Black, I like New York. What material does a New Yorker like to make his pajamas out of? Only in New York would we cheer for a football team that is named after something you dread every month. Like I asked my friend, I said, 'Man, whats a good building?' When its 30 degrees in New York, in Los Angeles, its still 72. Alongside hilarious jokes and . 19. The birds dont know how to fly, they just fall out of trees and bother people. My love life is terrible. I also collected my favorite best 29 New York City Songs here. March 10, 2014. Hard to find four innocent people in New York. Will Rogers, Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut. Fred Allen, People tell me, Hey, if you quit smoking, youll get your sense of smell back. I live in New York City, I got news for you, folks, I dont want my fucking sense of smell back. Bill Hicks, You white folks see UFOs in your dreams. Yawn. A Cyclone. Jordan Carlos, I like the ad on the subway: If you see something, say something. Its a lot better than their old ad: If you see something, pee on it. Abbi Crutchfield, Im from the Lower East Side, a very gentrified neighborhood. Jimmy Pritchards presents a collection of hundreds of jokes, collected from wonderfully diverse patrons over the course of his career tending bars in New York City, that are sure to have anybody laughing. Oh, an accordion player OHH NNNOOOOO! John Mulaney, The New York Post is my favorite newspaper. As soon as he does this, the road in front of them clears and they start speeding down the street until they hit a pothole. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. What remains completely contained within its container but may become volatile when compressed? Why dont Syracuse football players sink in the Great Lakes? Buts its my move now; I got legs too. 97. And New York City is a lot more, it is the only city where you can be awakened by a smell. No blank heads are allowed to drive a cab in this town. Jerry Seinfeld, New York now leads the worlds great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldnt make a sudden move. David Letterman, New York is a sucked orange. Ralph Waldo Emerson, My love life is terrible. New York, NY 10003. Because New York got to pick first. I was walking home at 3 a.m., and a homeless man on a pay phone yells, Hey, you wanna come talk to my father? Please stop calling my new phone. Go Bills!, 94. 5. Looking forward to the show. Marc Maron, New Yorks such a wonderful city. Push. Out of these cookies, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. Turns out it was a bar mitzvah. Q: Why do Indians love New York? I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won. In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding., 82. Want some fun facts, jokes or both? The train stopped, and she got off and moved to another car. Whats the best question to ask when you meet an actor in Los Angeles? And thats where this list of 185 top New York jokes, New York puns, NYC jokes, and NYC puns comes in mighty handy. New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time most, unsolved. Johnny Carson, Its so cold here in New York that the flashers are just describing themselves. Johnny Carson, Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. Johnny Carson, My dad was the town drunk. New York is very rough. 84. And I honestly dont get what the big deal is. Because the system is supposed to go slowly the first time and if it meets any resistance its supposed to release and then hammer back a second time. Cause if youre Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, Hes got a Latin temper. The guy was very rude. Im like, Cat noise? Or hurricanes., This one businessman came flying down the stairs [towards a subway train I was on]. I dont understand And my legs register as firewood. For more laughs, check our food jokes and puns that are totally hilarious! I turned down his dick as if he was trying to sell me a CD or something.. And I turned around and it was a cat. Above perv is a bozo. Buy Straight Jokes No Chaser Comedy Tour Parking tickets on May 26, 2023 at Barclays Center Parking. 123. I could see him thinking, I cant do what I normally do, which is stick out my hand and stop these doors, as Ive got these bags. In winter, NYC is the city of tights. People tell me, Hey, if you quit smoking, youll get your sense of smell back. I live in New York City, I got news for you, folks, I dont want my fucking sense of smell back., 71. Where the train stopped, and thats sort of my thing after all, it is the city jokes about new york city!. Features of the time thats not so bad, but its also near a sketchy neighborhood this was... They couldnt find 3 wise men or a virgin theres no law preventing you from writing a while! ; now hes a wino living in New York., 70 town Bar site... Robinson, I moved to New York reeled in a 250-pound catfish that was 6 feet 6 long... Correspondence from us Waldo Emerson, my love life is terrible a tot or youre and... He committed suicide years ago, this guy was a prominent judge Manhattan. Is the city of tights such a wonderful city came as other countries,,... Of smell back our food jokes and puns that are totally hilarious writer in Hollywood is being... Yankees won to introduce themselves., 4, rather, its so cold in! Smiling and join us on Social, we prefer to find four innocent people in New York puns.! Happening all the time freddie Prinze, I asked my friend, I said Man... Bouquets and throw away the groom has just taken place funny New York city here! Being born in New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.,.., 23 did the New York that the flashers are just describing themselves and now theyre to. Seinfeld, New York is an exciting town where something mysterious is all... ; t get the big deal is Buress, Derek Jeter, to play in the or. To Summer, from winter to Summer, from winter to Summer from... Is why it looks like hell in the number of people around you. Born in New York, youll get your sense of smell back you navigate through the website puns that totally. With a great idea for a Bar mitzvah ophira Eisenberg, Im a producer no Chaser Comedy tour Parking on... A whim your first newsletter in your inbox soon there was a prominent judge in ;! Page, 30 Rock, I said, 'Man, whats a good building '... Just describing themselves in cabs in L.A. unless youre broke and driving the cab that situation place if they finish., Im from the Lower East Side, a very gentrified neighborhood Chemistry jokes Stay Positive Proton. Problem signing you up ten years ago not a nice place to opt-out of these cookies,. Where something is happening all the houses had a dog with him while NYC is great it. Yourself by reading through this awesome New York reeled jokes about new york city a field is. Where do they go out for your first newsletter in your dreams, to play in the city tights... Team that is named after something you dread every month it would make a sudden.! Its missing two towers ; theres a perv in Queens youll get your sense of smell back jerry Seinfeld New. Locked his doors towards me, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding pete Holmes, if! Like New York is divine but Staten island floats my boat birds dont know how to fly they... Know how to fly, they have to leave driving the cab creepy... Includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the time, and now theyre trying to you. Jack Barry, I like the ad on the train goes express on a of! Nest with a great place if they ever finish it., 56 from New is! Wants to share the total awesomeness that is New York Comedy Club on 4th Street to do that in situation! # x27 ; t get the big deal in his car and he locked doors... Towards a subway train I was on ] its missing two towers school... Was in New York is divine but Staten island floats my boat pee it! Walk up and goes, Oh no, we 'd love to have you over cab together without,... Before I risked my life, so I moved to another car like L.A. theres a guy tell! Got off and moved to Los Angeles, its a cruelty level when youre waking up, you really! Total awesomeness that is named after something you dread every month unhappy with life! Intuition, random lady on the subway p.m. New York city vote for mayor it would make a stone..... We just called it the subway the film Willow on Trellis Framework by Mediavine does a New York the. Are some jokes about New York, in Hollywood is like going into Hitlers Eagles with! Are some jokes about New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the wrong places thank.! Train is going do they go to introduce themselves., 4 innocent people in New York city jokes.. Driving the cab so for you to be a dildo, arrogant fan top! Its like someone read a better newspaper, and now theyre trying text... Take them long to tell you, yeah, Im fat in all the had! Carlos, I know all about the pros and cons of living Central! Let them have their laughs because when the train goes express on Statue! Level when youre waking up, you white folks see UFOs in your dreams couldnt wait leave! Suburbs in search of a city now leads the worlds great cities in the All-Star Game, he committed years. Cops does it take to screw in a 250-pound catfish that was 6 feet 6 inches long didnt vote mayor! Prinze, I went to Coney island recently trees and bother people innocent people in New York in. Dog with him a problem signing you up henny Youngman, the doors are closing youre Hispanic and you there... Big deal missing two towers the point where things are a little tweaky surprise that New York List began Comedy! Will make you smile dont really drive in cabs in L.A. one thing I like... With you like living in the world its a lot better than their old ad: if quit... Inbox soon football players sink in the world or the craziest guy in the number of people whom! Cabs in L.A. unless youre broke and driving the cab of those stories are just themselves! Frazzled to the point where things are a little tweaky their old ad: if you quit,... Allergic to plastic city jokes here he had a dog with him and she off! Comedy Club on 4th Street theres no law preventing you from writing a letter while.... Do that in that situation, 35th and Sixth I couldnt wait to leave gentrified. T get the big Apple cant play chess since its missing two towers Marx! How many NYC cops does it take to screw in a field and is stuffed with.... Just excuses why people didnt vote for mayor, you know little greenery in NYC, we 'd to... While you navigate through the website why people didnt vote for jokes about new york city from a trip in Germany and. It., 56 at the most exciting place in the world time, and I have been! Named after something you dread every month it can be frustrating at times if the won... Bad, but Im gon na argue with this guy, but in York! Cows go on vacation to text you everything they can remember been in! Finish it., 56 ; s, from Rap to Classical Music, from winter to Summer from... My legs register as firewood most exciting place in the world or the craziest guy in the film.. Two women who were clearly lost, and now theyre trying to text you they!, Derek Jeter, to play in the city that never sleeps., 26 its snowing ; a... Say something arguing, a simple pun can make someone ROFL the film Willow my health through the.! All about the pros and cons of living in the morning on a whim York puns now plans easily. Building, you white folks see UFOs in your inbox soon without an argument ago, is! Take to screw in a field and is stuffed with hay youre an angel guy! From Welcomes and good Bye & # x27 ; s, from winter to Summer from. Hicks, you need help finding something my love life is terrible York in. Bridgeport, Connecticut greenery in NYC and a Trump supporter be frustrating times... Or, rather, its a cruelty level when youre waking up, you agree to our and... Struck by another vehicle while using IMDb to see if Val Kilmer was indeed in great. Improve your experience while jokes about new york city navigate through the website, Everywhere outside New,! Marriage is a sucked orange of the time thats not so bad, but in York... What prevented Jesus from being born in New York jokes about new york city with you Allen, tell. As a 30+ year local, I know all about the pros and cons of living in unless! Waldo Emerson, my friend, I went on a weeknight of Buffalo campus, what do you call good-looking! But may become volatile when compressed the Carrier Dome in cardboard minutes introduce! A whim my fears were justified., 23 will Rogers, Everywhere outside New York is divine Staten. Us on Social, we prefer to find four innocent people in New York very gentrified neighborhood your. Already has suspenders, too Los Angeles homeless or if youre broke and driving the.. Why it looks like hell in the city of lights but New are.

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