My husband chooses his family over me. But we were always strong and overcame it all, but now my husband claims he has been putting up with my family all these years and he cant take it anymore so he left me and our kids. Leaving him. And that schedule should be something his family are aware of, too, especially if they have a habit of turning up at your place unannounced. He starts feeling guilty for not spending as much time with his family as he used to, and as a result, starts neglecting you. This is a really tricky situation and more common than you think. I cant live with him. Think Aloud is a destination where youll find stories about every step you, as a woman, take. He Bows To His Domineering Parents (And Expects You To Do The Same) One situation that a lot of couples contend with is when the husband's parent (s) try to exert or maintain dominance without respecting their adult son and his partner. . How To Make Him Fear Losing You: 17 Effective Ways, 11 Daily Struggles Youll Face While Dating A Mamas Boy, Your email address will not be published. And I know that this kind of situation can be very hurtful and you just want to let all the anger out and say whats on your mind. When she says something nasty about you, he doesn't stick up for you. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that Muhammad, sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam, is His slave and Messenger. "You can't happily be both a husband and a mama's boy, because you're always torn in two directions," said . The truth is, its very hard to break this pattern. Have your husbands family members ever disrespected you in front of him and/or your children without your husband saying anything in your defense? No relationship is worth tolerating abuse and disrespect for. Those potential awkward situations are bound to happen. So most often what happens is the husband keeps fulfilling the financial and psychological needs of his family and the wife and his own children are often asked to compromise. Your husband will need to sever the apron strings, so to speak, and look upon you as the person hes building a life with, rather than the person hes dragging along wherever his family dictates. The relationship between a man and his family should not get in the way of his relationship with his wife and children. As odd as it sounds, theres a logical explanation for this. The cookie is set by the GDPR Cookie Consent plugin and is used to store whether or not user has consented to the use of cookies. I found true love after Nikah with another. It is not that he loves his own family any less but he is unable to do the balancing act because of his mental conditioning. One tactic to be aware of is that of isolating your husband and trying to persuade him to side with them. Sure, he may be very close with his blood family, but he chose you to be part of this family. Still, youre wondering: What has this anything to do with you? In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services. He and I have no privacy. jj Healthy communication with your partner means you always talk about everything with him and make all of your decisions together. It requires you to have a lot of understanding and compassion. Is this the man you want by your side for the rest of your life, if this is the path being laid out for you? Pray that Allah SWT puts love and kindness in your husbands heart for you and also, that he opens new avenues for your familys financial stability. He has to want it. Show him that you know how he feels. However, you have to set your boundaries and inform him about them if need be. If your husband is choosing his family over you, you also choose your family over him. Bonobology.com is the couple-relationship destination for Indians everywhere! It is natural that you will feel put down and dismissed. Young lovers step into this bliss by promising each other fairy tale scenario. Marriage doesnt include just you and him your in-laws are part of the equation as well. What Do You Do When Your Husband Chooses His Family Over You? Sometimes, when we are hurt we may get complaining, whiny or passive-aggressive. (The Truth), Empaths In Relationships: 15 Tips For Happy And Healthy Love, 16 Ways To Prepare For A Breakup (Mentally, Emotionally, Practically). Professional help might be required to shift his perspective from that of eternal adolescence to fully independent adulthood. If they think an American college is a waste of money but you have always aspired for one for your son, put your foot down. So he would hover around the kitchen or give his wife a foot rub to ease the stress but he wouldnt be able to take that step to join his wife in the kitchen. No appreciation, no understanding even when I call him to pray salah with me he doesnt do it. In many cases, it has also happened that a husband has relocated his entire family abroad because his parents wanted him to stay near them. But the final word has to be yours and his alone. You are making the right decision. Instead of being dragged to family gatherings that will make you miserable, make plans to spend time with your friends instead. Indeed, a righteous Muslim follows the guidance and moral conduct of the Prophet so he should be neither severe nor harsh. Remember, youre a team and you can only solve this problem if you stick together. The thing is, your man is probably not aware of this because he cant influence it. There can be situations, sometimes unavoidable circumstances, that make a man choose his family, but he will surely expect your support. But, lets be honest, its a little unreasonable to expect that to keep happening now the two of you have partnered up. He is unable to show his feelings and cannot really muster enough courage to say no to his parents. In that case, you have to understand his true feelings or maybe encourage him to break the patriarchal norms of the family. We share subjects that impact your daily life and we primarily discuss and write about all things related to relationships, breakups, mental health, astrology and much more. This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. Be careful to always approach him with respect and try to be patient. This is a rather difficult one to recognize unless you directly ask him. A person who comes from a very large, close-knit Asian family may have a very different dynamic from someone who was raised in a small, reserved Scandinavian family instead. This is one of the many reasons why communication is so vital in all relationships. I dont have a Wali and my mother is haunted by Jinns. Feeling let down because your husband chooses his family and their feelings over you and yours. I Dont Like My Husband As A Person, How To Handle A Husband Who Wants Sex All The Time (15 Tips), 15 Signs He Regrets Cheating On You (That Cant Be Faked), Can You Have More Than One Soulmate? Since we have been married for 2 years, I faced a lot of minor and major crisis. But if you try to turn his family against him, things will only get worse. Will he just ignore it? ), 9 Highly Effective Ways To Deal With Condescending People, Help! You should never criticize your husband for something hes done. Hear me out on this. Dont let your emotions govern your actions and dont let them turn into resentment. These cookies track visitors across websites and collect information to provide customized ads. And Im not one to judge this is a great thing. He is v strict doesnt let me do anything. However in the past three years, it has gotten worse. Its always a good thing to see your husband spending time with his family and friends, but overly prioritizing one over the other can have a huge impact on your marriage. Why? Besides having a family holiday does not mean having the elderly with you all the time. You remember the movieMeet the Fockers? Even if there's any wrong going on he takes his family side. He might see arguing with his parents as disrespectful, or hes afraid of having his allowance/trust fund/familial support cut off if he talks back.. Take a class that youve always wanted to delve into. Instead, show compassion and understanding. Your husband may have lived in such a dynamic for his entire life. Sister, assertiveness is a very important tool for communication. If he doesnt realize this, or he doesnt want anything to change, then thats a sign that he probably still has a lot of growing up to do. To this day, all their conflicts around Meenus complaint, My husband always supports his mother. No matter how much she resents him for it, Rajesh continues to be the dutiful son. Its fine for him to enjoy spending time with his family most of us do but its important for him to also enjoy spending time with you, alone or with your children, doing things that couples and families do together. My husband has 3 elder sisters. Lets get this straight. My partner and i have been living together for 3 years. Other uncategorized cookies are those that are being analyzed and have not been classified into a category as yet. I wish to leave my cheating husband and take the children with me. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. Thats not how issues are solved. This is a reality many married women face in India. This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. Even by those he loves. I don't want to create any problem I really need a peaceful life but what happened was they took me for granted and they starting making an issue unnecessarily. They have been doing this for many years until a little while ago, they burst at him and crossed every line of disrespect. Other than that, So, instead of being hurt and showing it passively, it might be a good idea to collect yourself together and ask your husband gently but firmly why he did not listen to your idea or even consider it. The family youre creating together has to take precedence over the one he had before. My husband always supports his mother the more you let this thought fester in your mind, the harder it will be to accept their bond. Answer: Of course you are "that important" so that your husband should share important birthdays with you. Indian mothers do not let go of their sons even after marriage, Setting Boundaries With In-laws 8 No Fail Tips, 5 reasons why the Indian family is killing the Indian marriage, 5 ways to deal with your husbands parents, The 7 Ways Mothers-In-Law Ruin Marriages With Tips On How To Save Yours, Distancing Yourself From In-Laws The 7 Tips That Almost Always Work, 8 Effective Ways To Deal With A Jealous Daughter-In-Law, How To Talk To Your Husband When The Other Woman Is His Mother, How To Impress Your In-laws In The First Meeting, 10 Thoughts That Come To Your Mind When Your Mother-In-Law Visits You, 10 Ways To Deal With Disrespectful In-laws, 15 Clever Ways To Deal With A Manipulative, Scheming Mother-In-Law, Please Dont Call Her Selfish If She Doesnt Want To Live With Her In-Laws, My Wife Was Abducted By Her Family Because I Was 15 Days Younger To Her, Setting Boundaries With In-laws 8 No-Fail Tips, My Marriage Was In Trouble Because Of My Sister-In-Laws Stories, 8 Signs of a Poisonous Mother-In-Law and 6 Ways to Beat Her at Her Game, How We Solved Interfaith Marriage Problems, Relationship with In-Laws: I was Scared of My Father-In-Law because. Should I stay married, divorce, or marry a second wife? This is a common problem women face in collectivistic cultures and especially in the sub-continent. Share your feelings with him and see how hell react. This kind of situation can be incredibly hurtful, and can undermine everything that the two of you are trying to build together. You married a typical desi backward culture where the bride has to be a servant to his family, and the husband will be a mamas boy and give all his attention and earning to his family. Sit him down and make it very clear to him that this is absolutely not cool with you. Instead, consider it a way of filling up the time when your husband is unavailable to you by surrounding yourself with people you love. And your husband ends up giving more importance to that because that is what he has been used to seeing in his family. Pour your energy into hobbies and personal pursuits. Hence, the husband is ordained to have a good marital relationship with his wife in the same way the . The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. Theres no shame in getting help from a trained relationship counselor (either by yourself or with your partner) who can listen to your concerns and offer helpful advice to navigate your way through the issue. We all know one and your man might be one, but you failed to see it before getting hitched. One of the pillars of a healthy relationship is having good communication with your partner. 3. Among the objectives of marriage in Islam is the stability of the Muslim family and the spread of affection and love between its members. Other than that,the parental expectations from men are so much that sometimes perhaps the men do not even realize that they are mistreating their wives while trying to fulfill their expected roles as sons or brothers. Dont nag him or demand that he choose right away between his family and you. You sure wont have your happy-ever-after if you do. If a wife continually runs to her parents for counsel instead of first talking with her husband, it can create a feeling of distrust. Here are 12 things you could do to make the dynamics of your relationship with your husband vis-a-vis his family more streamlined: They could be working or they could be homemakers but it is a fact that the Indian mothers life revolves around children. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Performance". He tells his mother and sister all that happens between the two of us. Get your dose of relationship advice from Bonobology right in your inbox. He was treating me as his maid. Or he doesnt like me? Marriage, in reality, is not like it is portrayed in Hallmark movies. Maybe you thought that youd finally have your man for yourself, miles away from his parents, but that isnt always the case. If hes not willing to cooperate, then theres not much you can do about it alone. He may simply seek to keep the peace, either by doing and saying nothing or by siding with his family in the hope that he can smooth things out with you later. I know this is a very difficult position to be in. So, let everyone know how their actions are affecting you and your relationship with your spouse. Or maybe he feels burdened as well doing expenditures for the family but he does not want to look vulnerable in front of you? If your husband spends time with his parents straight after coming home from work, keeps chatting with them for hours and then heads off to sleep without spending time with you, then it's a concern. Of course, it is a good thing for the husband to be kind and dutiful to his family members, but it is not permissibleto achieve thatat the expense of the wife or in matters that could harm her. It must be tough and emotionally draining to see your husband not pay attention to you, your son or your future. Dont wait long and get depressed sometime in live we have to get separated. His father too follow hanafi teaching. For those couples, the next step is either finding their own apartment and paying rent or living in the same house as their in-laws. Dont expect that you can avoid having any arguments and conflicts with your in-laws if youre living in the same house. Can I divorce? Then make it very clear to your relatives without being rude that you have work to do when they are dropping in so if you remain confined to your room, they should not hold it against you. And you are struggling with your childrens studies and could do with some help from him in Maths. I want to avoid adultery. I was married at the age of 23 and my husband was 27. Actually it was an arranged marriage. You can always tell your partner that you want to have a family dinner at your house that includes only the two of you. For instance, say I feel hurt when you do not hear me, or give my opinions any preference rather than saying YOU never listen to me. Related Reading: Setting Boundaries With In-laws 8 No Fail Tips. The famous mamas boy. Its about admitting that you made a mistake, being able to say that youre sorry, forgiving each other, and moving forward together. They may say things like Are you okay with this? or Is this what you want? or Do you agree?, Make sure your husband is prepared for this. Thats how he ends up spending more time with his family than with you. Yes, that includes your spouses attachment to his family. I was forced to marry my cousin, whos been absent since! My husband chooses his family over me. But not all of us are ready and know how to compromise. He feels guilty for not spending enough time with his family. Just because you feel neglected and want him to ignore his family for the rest of his life, doesnt mean he has to accept that. Using you statements puts the other person on a defensive mode and the communication does not go anywhere. He says I am the youngest among them so he willlisten to them not me. Instead, hes allowing you to be mistreated, disrespected, and made to feel like crap. My prayer was invalid, but time ran out before I could redo it. So it could be an alternative day arrangement. The inevitable distance between two people in love, the restless neediness of love. 5 ways in which marriage turned out the opposite of what I imagined, 7 Tips For Men Who Are Stuck Between Wife And Mother In A Joint Family, 12 Ways to Deal With a Jealous Mother-In-Law. Maybe youre wrong and hes right. In Indian families, the son is expected to prioritize his parents and siblings even after he is married and has his own family. We suggest that you learn to pick your battles. Remember, marriage is all about teamwork. Also, a mamas boy is afraid to move somewhere else as he doesnt want to be far away from her. Whats the point of marriage when it becomes sex-less eventually anyways? But he sats none of my business. If he's no more there and not at all by my side then whats the use of living with him. Manage Settings Sister, sometimes I feel that men are scared and weary of women getting emotional. There were some problems with my husband, and at work, and he could not leave the UK and did not see his family for eight years. Do not build resentment over this. My question is that My husband constantly underestimates me by calling names . A caring son could also mean a caring husband. Do you want to stay in this marriage, knowing full well that youll never be treated with proper respect and appreciation, always being second (third, fourth) behind your husbands family members? My family was always in our married life, new every argument we had and everything my husband did to me or said. Major crisis some help from him in Maths the restless neediness of love for many years until little. Quot ; so that your husband Chooses his family, but he chose you to have a marital. Their conflicts around Meenus complaint, my husband was 27 that he choose right away between his family against,! Hurtful, and can undermine everything that the two of us the guidance and moral of! Cant influence it husband should share important birthdays with you it sounds, theres a logical for... And his family own family struggling with your spouse be neither severe nor harsh to with. 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Not me be patient objectives of marriage when it becomes sex-less eventually anyways did to me said.