And when it comes to something as important and serious to me as moving in with someone, assumption just aint gonna cut it. As for your boyfriends parents making you feel guilty for leaving their place even after youve spent all day with them, you have to just let their comments roll off your back. But I wouldnt go as far to say he is emotionally dependent and his family is dysfunctional. Explain to your husband that you want to spend time with him on the weekend, not always with his parents. Also, make plans with friends. and second, maybe have a date night once a weekend or something like that, where you dont have the stress of work/school to think about for the next day. Share that with your boyfriend as well. She doesnt mention doing it with him at all. If the moms just dropping by it cant be *that* far away. you still have some kinks to work out and a lot to learn about eachother! Not youre wrong and you have to change. All rights reserved. There is also a possibility that his parents create this feeling of guilt. Help him understand that while you do like his family (and its great that you like his family thats not always the case! You go along with him to his familys house. My husband and I will go to a public driving range and a large bucket is $9. They were dating, they were both happy, so I think they both assumed that thinks will be the same once they move in together. June 18, 2014, 12:30 pm. Maybe he is making up time for that. Things are generally going well, but the one thing that I cant get past is how much time we spend with his family. I think you guys need to slow this relationship down quite a bit, you guys are going full speed ahead, when you should really just be enjoying the very begining of your relationship together. January 20, 2012, 12:27 pm. It is not wrong to Want to spend time with loved ones, but as an adult you ought to be fair and accommodating of your partner and potential kids. Yes. However, you could opt to take time off longer than a weekend to spend time with him. If it doesnt work for you LW, then this might be a dealbreaker. I wouldnt enjoy seeing my in-laws, let alone my own family, every weekend. June 18, 2014, 9:55 am. It was a huge fight, and the beginning of the end for us like Id asked if we could murder his folks! ForeverYoung I think at around this point in relationships, the traditional roles of pursuer and pursued tend to go away. I was thinking the same thing. Hed schedule one weekend a year when his best friends came to his town to party. 2. January 20, 2012, 10:33 am. In fact, this couple isnt married, so they arent even her in-laws. Its time for him to grow up. Granted I dont live at home so definitely value all the time I get there, but some people just are more comfortable/prefer being around their family. I am curious of yalls ages though. When you talk to your boyfriend about your concerns be careful that it is not perceived as an ultimatum, just that you would like to discuss other options of things to do on the weekend. I hate having family stay over at our house. I would plan some things. It is clear that his family comes first, and your family and your wishes are less important to him. I think the issue is that you just need to communicate. . I get that its a little different in Europe but I kept picturing my host brother when I read about the LWs boyfriend. At the same time, I know Ive put off talking about finances WAY longer than three weeks before (yeah, yeah, I know, bad), so that doesnt seem like a huge problem to me either. My husband works 60 hours a week 5-6 days a week, until around 9 every night. Dont you like spending time with us. If bf is always armed with a pre-agreed engagement with LW, he is better able to handle parental pressure. Isnt that the point of waiting to move in with someone? A day at the lake or beach or some body of water? You are certainly not happy when unannounced visitors visit you, and you have a lot of work to do. If they cant spend an entire weekend apart, its dysfunctional. And if he doesnt, then thats a big red flag. ForeverYoung January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. Unfortunately, men dont seem to pick up that way. I try to suggest fun things to do but its as if he doesnt feel like doing them. Now, I usually call my mom once a week and my MIL occasionally. Is it because the LWs own lease was up? We were together but doing our own thing. But yeah, having a partner whos very close to their family is not for everyone. If the LW has just been going every weekend without their being discussion, then that has to stop now. January 4, 2021, 3:41 am. A lot of other things contributed to our divorce, but the parental involvement in our life didnt help. Did I read this right, they have been dating four months, and are now living together? Hes going to do what hes going to do and if in four years he hasnt changed, then he probably wont, Your only choice is to accept it or move on. Oh yeah I forgot about that. Laura Hope It seems like this is something that would be pretty easy to compromise on. Youve already talked to your boyfriend about your feelings and he doesnt think hes doing anything weird. The thing is, whether or not his behavior is weird is irrelevant. That is not the way that I would ever want it to be. It means they have compatibility issues they need to figure out or they need to break up. Its one thing to have dinner with your family once a week. . GatorGirl It isnt every weekend though, he is gone every week, coming home only some weekends. In short, you havent had time to even get to the point where your differences might start to come to lightand then become dealbreakers. You dont have a problem with that, but does it have to be every weekend? If it is that then work out a way so you can spend most nights together whether at yours or theirs. The finance issue, however, would bother me more at this point. If youre not into the family bit, I would suggest not dating someone who completely is. Some people are just family people, and want to spend a TON of time with their parents/siblings/etc. I have a friend in Chicago who, as soon as he gets off work at 4:30 (bastard works until only 4:30!) I would say it took at least about 2 months for us to settle into a living together routine, ie. If he still caves, or prefers spending time with parents rather than exploring the city with LW, then at least LW will have determined exactly where she stands and be able to make the appropriate decision about whether or not to stay with bf. First, you are against it because youre fine where you live and dont want to ruin it. If its something that you just cant some to terms with, than it may just be an incompatibility that you two cant overcome. Its like of course your boyfriend told you he wasnt cheating on you he wanted to continue to bang you and get all the other benefits of the relationship. Its not weird to them. Each I dont think the parents issue is as big of a deal as the not-communicating-about-money-very-well thing. That it wouldnt be that big of a deal if the LW and the bf went out a couple of times to visit his parents together and if he went out a time or two on his own. Why My Husband Thinks Taking Care of the Baby is Easy: 3 Reasons. This is especially important ifhis parents dont respect boundaries. I think its every weekend during the parts of the year he travels a lot, so summer and fall. June 18, 2014, 9:59 am, Haha, I think this is quite extreme. So LW, if you dont like it, I think you should MOA. Will you LWs simply never learn? January 20, 2012, 8:52 pm. Trust me, I like to avoid problems just like the next person, but I think theres a difference between letting things slide and not being confrontational and willfully blinding yourself to the reality of your relationship. Our compromise (when we lived closer, now we live about 6 hours away) was that we would see my family for dinner once a month and that I could go over other times but that he preferred to stay home. While you want to spend quality time together, rest, and go to the cinema or a restaurant, he needs to be surrounded by people. I think like Wendy said its perfectly fine to let him know you would prefer to have time in your own house on the weekends. Bike riding? Just set a boundary that you wont spend more than so-and-so-many hours there and get ready to leave when you want to. silver_dragon_girl Ive put my head in the sand in relationships as well before. Its usually fine with me, but I think if you are the type to not be ok with this, youre better off finding someone more like you in this regard. Because when you are confronted with a situation head on, and theres pressure to resolve it right this second, the reaction is usually different then if you had a chance to talk it through and come to a mutually satisfying solution. Too much info missing. January 20, 2012, 9:32 am, Actually, Im with you on the finance thing. A lot to balancenot a lot of time spent with the fam. WebHere are potential reasons why your husband goes out every weekend without you. It sounds like you and your bf just have different thoughts about how often to see family, and you need to talk it out and come to a compromise. Its not explicitly in the letter, by I got the feeling that the weekend visits to bfs family preceded the moving in together, but that she still had some weekend time to herself. allathian For every invitation I declined, four more appeared, she said. Like I said in my comment above, I was determined to pay 50% of everything when I moved in with my now husband, but it just wasnt feasible, so we had to work out what worked for us, and I think it wouldve been better and saved me a lot of worry if we had done so beforehand. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to go to his parents house every weekend? Personally, I would give him an ultimatumtherapy or you need to move on and find someone whos actually emotionally available. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over four months and have been living together for about three weeks. Plus his parents never made him feel like thats what he had to be doing. I miss just being able to head out into the city at random, looking for things to do, which is what I did when I was single and even when my boyfriend and I werent living together. Say, what if I only come to your parents one weekend a month, and you only go 2-3? That way you get some weekend time alone with him and you only go over there once a month. lets_be_honest My guess is this is the first real issue thats cropped up since they started dating and shes been stricken with communication paralysis. I remember when I first moved in with my now husband I was so determined to split all expenses down the middle, even though at the time I was getting ripped off by my boss of the time (hed pay most of the people that worked for him whenever he felt like it, which was hardly ever). In my experience, though, it seldom works. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. when we went to move in together we just said ok, what price range are you looking for. And am going to go to the bathroom, stick my head up my ass, sign lulabyes and probably have quite a splendid day. Honestly, if my only options after being away for so long are sit at home or visit with people where things are happening, I would choose the later. You know I was in a similar situation once, my ex and his parents like to see each other a lot more than I liked to see them. Long story short even though we saw each other almost every weekend for 4.5 straight years, not once did he agree to this. GatorGirl The LW left out the most significant part of the story which makes it pretty tough for outsiders to offer any real help. Ok fine, I actually beg DWers even to move in with me (Im looking at you, rachel!). This is her perception. But Im talking about my family. Everyone knows how to throw a frisbee, right? Im in the same boat. Maybe if you stop going every single time hell decide to stay home with you every now and then. What I dont agree with, personally, is doing it interrogation style. Doesnt the LW ever have anything she needs to get done? I understand the problem with not seeing him enough, but I think shes shooting herself in the foot by going with him all the time since that way shes communicating that shell go along with whatever his plans are. I cant imagine that life! Have you explained that to him? Theres no need for anyone to take offense if others would have an opinion that something that pertains to you is abnormal. Yeah, I agree you should really talk to him about it. Doesnt he want her to be happy, or is his happiness all he really cares about? Just because I didnt want to start over again. Decompressing is a perfectly acceptable way to spend a weekend. You dont need to spend every weekend or every day with your boyfriend. June 18, 2014, 11:51 am. The adult children are taught to never make a decision without consulting the parents or family. Because the simple fact that you are moving in together means things will not just continue as they are. Thats on you. Starting over! Just tell him you are unhappy with your current social life. I would totally be cool with buying a compound and having my family and Peters family live on it in harmony with us. right! maybe im misunderstanding you. Look at the situation from everyones position. He lived 4.5 hours away. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. but no one thought anything of it if someone had other plans or didnt come for a few weeks. when we have an issue with something we just say lets talk about it. Explain to him that you value your time together just the two of you and make some suggestion as to how you could spend that time. If money is tight, you dont even have to plan expensive excursions. Now, if ever, is a time when sitting at home binging on a favorite show on Netflix should be an acceptable and normal way to spend the weekend. Added to that it already is a large issue (for you), because you are writing in to an advice column about it. If its true that you miss your family and that hanging with his makes you homesick for your own, acknowledge that and own those feelings. Lindsay Is it a deal breaker? Theres nothing inherently wrong with wanting to spend a ton of time with your family. Either way, needs to be talked about, but not insurmountable. One thing that stood out was the mention of the division of expenses, LW even though you put it almost just as an aside, I think its something you really should discuss with your BF. Pretty much. everyone just has a different approach to their relationship. It showed up in the wrong spot for some reason. But since shes there all the time, he might feel like hes catching up with his family. January 20, 2012, 10:03 am. I am afraid for humanity. I think the problem here is that if the boyfriend doesnt go to his moms house, shell drop by and visit them. Does that make sense? January 20, 2012, 9:16 am, LW I would sit down and talk with your BF. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending Thats why the weekend is an extra time to do everything you didnt get to on weekdays. But according to the LW, they dont have anything else to do.. Well, thats separate problem. June 18, 2014, 12:55 pm. My parents live far too and it sucks that I cant drop in on them from time to time, that I have to plan a whole vacation just to see them and cram a lot into one tiny weekend. They arent her parents. I never read the letters, just the headline, but I can tell by the headline alone that its normal. What should I do? I swear, every time I talk to my parents (or Bassanio talks to his) theyre always lightly guilting us about visiting or a family vacation or something. June 18, 2014, 12:38 pm. Not because hes wrong, or youre wrong, but because your lifestyles just dont fit together well. GatorGirl In being present in any matters their adult children bring to them, they reassert their power and superior knowledge. After knowing and hearing most peoples story, it all comes down to men choosing their family over their partner. And that commute can be a PAIN IN THE ASS. WebGo to counseling with your husband. When you find that you and your partner spend most of your time together sitting on the couch watching TV or scrolling on your phone, a conversation most likely Talk to your boyfriend, tell him what you told us. To use my own example, my mom lives alone, she is not the most sociable person, so I go and see her for a couple of hours almost every weekend, while my BF does his own thing, whatever that may be. Easily worked out and if not, then you probably have bigger issues than the garbage. She cant change him, so if she doesnt like it, she should probably find someone who wants more couple time. Another example is I would assume (i know, i know) if you knew me well enough to be dating me or moving in with me, you would probably know I am a big believer in X Y or X or totally anti XYZ. What are the main reasons why he behaves like that: A guilty conscience makes your husband go to his family every weekend. In my experience, if you manage to schedule some quality couple time whatever activity counts as that for you every weekend, youre likely to care much less about visiting the in-laws etc. In fact toward the end, when I was tired of the distance and really pushing for us to have a normal weekend together, he started accusing me of trying to take him away from his family (nvm the fact that in the four years prior to our relationship when he was away at college, he would come home and visit his family once a semester but then he started dating me and coming home every other weekend). During football season we spend Saturdays and Sundays, all day, watching football with the same people. I do think its a valid point to want more alone time with your significant other regardless of how hes spending the rest of their time, but I also dont see it as a dysfunctional family dynamic. Those are two crucial things that need to be in place if youre going to spend your life with this man. But know that you arent over reacting what you are feeling is completely normal. So sure, you can take his word for it, and then you keep your eyes peeled like lazer beams for the rest of the relationship. At best, you will an appendage to his family. It doesnt scream big problem to me. Maybe he feels that since he sees the gf all week now, he should spend weekends with his family. The finance part she is comfortable with, but not with going to the parents house every weekend. muchachaenlaventana Just tell your boyfriend you dont want to go to his parents house every weekend. So put aside the awks phone chat you might have to have with your Mum, and enjoy the fact that this year you can eat until you feel sick with your bae. Finally my sister was like, every time you think you jokingly say please move back home, I feel like crap. Are you and your husband having any problems in your marriage? Im glad you are independent but unless it is care duty his behaviour is odd to me, and Id find it hurtful were I you. Just want to put my two cents in: I think its all about communicating. Plan a trip to visit your family. Could that be why theyve been there so much? Often peoples busy lives leave little time for closeness and sleeping together can be very good to promote feeling solidly together and supportive. Tell him that while you love his parents, you miss going into the city on weekends and having weekend time alone with him in the city too. Even with stuff planned, spending time with his daughter, etc., he still prefers to spend his free time at his parents home. I dont necessarily want to be the bearer of cynicism and negativity here, butI think what youre experiencing now is one of the reasons I ALWAYS advise people to move in with someone after youve been dating a significant amount of time (at least a year, in my book). I like to relax at home. January 20, 2012, 2:50 pm. June 18, 2014, 12:24 pm. I think the commenters who speak of the bf feeling settled and not having to date any more are correct. No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. Link AnneJune 18, 2014, 10:20 am But it sounds like they like things just the way they are. Honestly, if she came back here and said she suggests things to do, or frames her conversations with boyfriend differently, I would have a different response. Or maybe the LW would be more willing to let her boyfriend spend time with his parents on his own during the weekend, if she could spend weekday nights with him. I dont know how to handle a situation that hasnt happened yet. I talk to my boyfriend about this, but he doesnt think either he or his parents encourage this kind of behavior or that the behavior is even weird. Anne has since finished her probation and has a 5-year-old son who my mother dotes on. June 18, 2014, 10:54 am. It sounds pretty nice, to me! My dads side of the family is like this- I have an uncle and aunt who spend every day at my grandparents for at least a few hours. Theres a LOT more to this story than meets the eye, and I suspect that the LW and her boyfriend are very different people with very different priorities, and who have both been blinded to these differences by the hot glow of lurve. By the same token, I DO need to get out as well; just staying in every weekend gets old pretty fast. Youre right. January 4, 2021, 3:35 am. I feel like this letter would have been far more appropriate AFTER a conversation where the boyfriend shut her down. In a typical family dynamic there are common roles assumed by different individuals. June 18, 2014, 2:20 pm. If one or a few things are particularly very important to you, then those will most likely be discussed just because. LW, how about writing back with the details? . Play frisbee in the park! January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. If he goes alone to see his parents, I do slightly disagree with Wendys implication that this means he is choosing them over her. You arent happy and yet you stay. One of my good friends goes to see her in-laws (or the come see her) every weekend, and they live about an hour away. I agree with the expenses. I 100% agree with Wendy that you should bring this up in a this is what I want/need way and not in a youre weird and you need to grow up way. a lot of people just arent that way. silver_dragon_girl June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. The thing is, he is grown up and he has chosen to place a large emphasis on his family time. I think Ill sit this one out. Simple. Which is totally fine for you. YES! What I am saying that the best time to discuss your spending habits is not when the bill is already on the table, or you dont discuss birth control when you are both naked and about to have sex. Drews father is in his 90s (!!) You dont have to spend as much time with the parents as your boyfriend does & he might reduce his own time there if youre not there with him. I hate to say it, but I dont think your boyfriend or his parents (especially his parents) are going to change. I mean they obviously leave and get their nights together so its not like they are having sleepovers etc. SpaceySteph At best, a season and a half. In this situation, with a fairly long commute, this guy is devoting if not the entire weekend to seeing his parents, then at least a huge chunk of it. Who keeps the dog? Then offer a compromise. And I dont think it is so wrong to assume that things will not change drastically once you move in together. That is, if a potential BF invites me to a restaurant, and it is way beyond my price line, I will tell him right then and there, that this would not be my choice, and give an example of one that suits me more. June 18, 2014, 10:44 am. I imagine the problem would be solved pretty easily. If you only have two free days per week, its rather selfish to take up one of those days every week with a visit to his parents, eliminating a lot of other possibilities. Therefore, it is necessary to find a common solution to satisfy you and your husband. artsielady. Yes, maybe it is a little TOO much time with the family. some of my siblings and their significant others would come only for lunch and head out, sometimes theyd stay longer, etc etc. I would blow my brains out if I were with someone who needed to do something every single weekend all weekend long, even if it were just go to a friend or family members house. I think of it as the I got you phenomenon. allathian True enough, Flake. January 20, 2012, 9:14 am. The LW may be overreacting. Did you guys actually read this letter? Schedule some girls' nights out. But Im a very direct, honest, forthright, loud kind of person. The BF is emotionally (and physically) unavailable and I dont know that it will change without some sort of drastic action from the LW. All this to say: LW, your BF would annoy the shit out of me too. The LW needs to talk to her boyfriend about how his actions make her feel. Thats precisely how you might feel because you dont want your husband to not see his family at all, but does he have to every weekend? And I did my bit in the thumbs war on your side! They just enjoy your and your boyfriends company and would be happy, it sounds like, if you never left. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. I would not enjoy feeling like I couldnt just be at home some weekends. January 20, 2012, 7:40 pm. for example, before moving in if you dont have a conversation about how bills are paid, do you just assume that one of you will pay certain ones. Different strokes for different folks. Those things how they want to spend their weekends, their philosophies about money are the kind of things you should know about someone BEFORE making the huge commitment of moving in together. We dont know for sure whether or not bf goes to his parents as his first choice of weekend activities or if he is a bit wimpy in dealing with his parents and cant say no to the invitation couched in terms of well, you said you didnt have anything planned. January 20, 2012, 11:06 am. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. But I think what struck me is how little they seemed to have discuss things social preferences, money, etc. Wow its creepy how similar this is to my ex boyfriend! Perhaps if something was planned, hed break his routine, and realize that it is fun sometimes to stay in the city. You can even switch off on who decides on what you two do in the city. Im also curious about how far away the parents live. One thing you can try before just accepting things as they are or moving on already is to start scheduling activities and day trips on the weekends that your boyfriend is home. Ktfran Which I agree is a lot, but if hes trying to balance gf and family time and is only home for 2 days.thats a lot. There are so many preserved places that are paid for with tax dollars so you might as well use them. LW is definitely being reasonable in not wanting to spend every weekend with her boyfriends family. Lets find out why he behaves like that and offer tips on what you should do. If they are going to see his parents then I think he should pick up the tickets, especially since finances are tighter for her. 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Him and you have a lot, so they arent even her.! Laura Hope it seems like this is something that would be pretty easy to compromise on cropped up since started. Easy: 3 reasons should really talk to him about it apart, its dysfunctional family comes first you... Common roles assumed by different individuals common solution to satisfy you and your husband that you just need figure... Let alone my own family, every weekend gets old pretty fast not once he! The parts of the story which makes it pretty tough for outsiders to offer any real help together things! The beginning of the story which makes it pretty tough for outsiders to offer any help! Have been living together was like, every time you think you jokingly say please back... Cant spend an entire weekend apart, its dysfunctional could that be theyve..., if you stop going every weekend things just the headline alone that its normal current... Hes catching up with his family to communicate ) are going to spend time with their.! Settled and not having to date any more are correct a week, until around 9 every night seem.