It wasn't until I became more confident with myself and I put myself forward instead of the jokes; at first it was put the jokes out there and I'm just behind the jokes. An engineer, a statistician, and a physicist are out hunting. When Einstein opened his eyes, he of course saw Newton and with a bit of disappointment said I found you, Newton, you lose but Newton replied, On the contrary, you are looking at one Newton over a square meter Pascal loses!. A traveling salesman, caught in a torrential rainstorm, stopped overnight at a farmhouse. Every time a little boy went to a playmates house, he found the friends grandmother deeply engrossed in her Bible. Hi, Mom, she said, taking a look at the dresser. As it became more heated, one said, My father can lick your father., Are you kidding? cried the other. Suddenly a huge lion sprang out of the bushes and seized Mrs. Shaw, dragging her off. The man replies, "I don't care about what you think!". RELATED: 100 Funniest Quotes from the Past 100 Years, A Hollywood hostess, giving instructions to a new maid just before a party, cautioned: Now remember, Marie, when you serve my guests, dont wear any jewelry., I havent anything valuable, madam, answered the maid. Betty White. 'David Copperfield' is a big book - is it epic? Seven. Yeah, they got him on possession. There's a better chance that you will stay married if that much is true for either one of you - male or female. Sit up straight. So thank you mystery boy on the bus. All of that's great, but you've got to build a whole person. It's just that, you'll never feel the same way. Then he saw the straw hat come back, upstream past the house! I have never been so wrong in my life. I'm struggling with what is epic. I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep ones wife happy. If dark humor jokes make you chuckle, take a peek at this list and compile a list to tell when you and your . He pasta way! I keep telling them its for you., A grasshopper walks into a bar. Nora, she said to her veteran servant, for the first half-hour I want you to stand at the drawing-room door and call the guests names as they arrive., Noras face lit up. You've got more chance of eating a Samoan Vindaloo and not suffering a rectal prolapse in the morning, No way could you do that. The bullet lands 20m passed the deer. You've got more chance of shitting in the Queen's handbag, Kayleighkid "Communication is the foundation of a good relationship." (Sometimes identifying abuse can be tricky when you're in the situation so if you're in doubt, make sure you know the signs your partner is emotionally abusive .) The statistician leaps in the air shouting, We got it!, Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Manager asked the young engineer fresh out of university, "And what starting salary were you looking for? No way could you do that. Jokes are better than war. 481 - Jon Stewart profile quotes. Kylian only re-signed for a hilarious 2 years maybe if the team wasn't a joke they'd have a better chance of making him sign a longer contract this summer but they're gonna have to sell him and we'll be waiting . You've got more chance No way you could do that, you've got more chance of eating a nuns arse through the convent railings, Rachel Maxwell An Im-pasta! So all three mathematicians jump up and run into the lavatory with their one ticket. When you have trust, it gives you a better chance to be successful. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles., I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are all given identical rubber balls and told to find the volume. Dangerously cold temperatures are likely toward . A frozen pizza and an engineer can both feed a family of 4. It is a medical fact that children can have a better chance in life with better looks, better health and more vigor if the teeth, nose, throat and mouth are taken proper care of at the crucial time of childhood. The best person to play golf with is someone who is always a little worse than you are. I learned that instead of relying on and imitating American music, there is a better chance for an Asian artist to succeed if he or she follows his or her own culture. | 31/12/2015 I always have. You've got more chance of catching a brick in a cobweb! That gives me a better chance every time I step into the box. Isnt it time she got a place of her own?, My mother? replied Helen. It all happened so fast.Debby Carter. But I never expected to be picked in the first round. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. Bartender, my friends and I would like a cold one, says one of the eggs. Youre out of your head., I hang on to my old, beat-up appliances as long as they keep working. The waitress smiled sweetly and said, Once upon a time there was this handsome lobsterHorse & Rider, RELATED: 101 Fish Puns That Will Split Your Gills, One day the telephone in the office of the rector of President Roosevelts Washington church rang, and an eager voice said, Tell me, do you expect the President to be in church this Sunday?, That I cannot promise, the rector explained patiently. Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections. Growing up, people will tell you that you have a better chance to become an astronaut than becoming an NBA player. Just look at all the joints! [.] I do think, oddly, that a comedic actor has a better chance of pulling off a dramatic role than a great dramatic actor has of being able to pull off a highly comedic role. For the first three weeks, Depp has paraded his witnesses through the Virginia courtroom, with all of them calling him a gentleman and Heard a liar. No way could you do that. You can't stand when I have my eyes set on someone else, but don't you realize that I go weak when I'm around you. For example, if the fact it's a cat is the surprise or twist in your story, don't say, "There was a cat in the box.". (4pc GD) 1 / 2. As the hedge fund manager gets out of his brand-new Porsche, a truck goes racing by, taking off the door. My best job was being a musician, but eventually, I found I wasn't noteworthy. | 23/05/2022 Make your thinking as funny as possible. The mathematicians think this looks like a good trick and decide to try it on the train ride back home. Pushing them aside, he looked at me sheepishly. Join. ", The HR Manager said, "Well, what would you say to a package of $200,000 a year, 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental coverage, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Mercedes? The best ideas come as jokes. We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" Nice costume, I said. No way could you do that. When the man handed me his deposit slip, the dogs began to climb over him. An introverted engineer looks at his shoes when he's talking to you, an extroverted engineer looks at your shoes when he's talking to you. They cant see us from there., A young mother paying a visit to her doctor in Providence, Rhode Island, made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining treatment room. | 03/05/2022 That made my father very mad, as we didnt have a fireplace.Victor Borge, Your mother has been with us for 20 years, said John. My role is to try to remove the impediments to entrepreneurs' chance to succeed. | 11/11/2019 No way could you do that. You want a good one even more if you get a bad one. Two eggs, a bagel, and a sausage walk into a bar. I'll miss all the pasta he made. Blake Shelton doesn't think The Voice stands a chance without him. A girl would spin the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a nickel. I have a fear of elevators, but I've started taking steps to avoid it. It's a giraffe.". But Halloweens not for another two weeks., A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident to find a car smashed into a tree. Chance broke into a smile on three occasions, most notably around the 3:40 mark: the camera zoomed in on Thompson, but Chance was all smiles in the corner of the frame. I go weak when you touch me, I laugh at your jokes when they're not funny, and I take every chance I can get to talk to you. Close your mouth when you chew. And, oh boy, is this goodBill King,Colliers, Visitor to the War Department: I have crossed a homing pigeon with a woodpecker. I want to do things that have a better chance of being thought of as original. It was a heady feeling! You've got more chance "?>hello, No way could you do that. I made a decision to do different things. The boss says, "That's not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality.". You've got more chance of knitting fog, No way could you do that. the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze? What if the best candidates are in there?, You have a point, he said. You've got more chance of oscar pistorius catching athletes foot, No way could you do that. Different people consider different jokes funny, so joke can not satisfy taste for everyone. Plus, when you get home and your kids ask what you did today, you can tell them you managed to sprinkle some humor into your workday. Oh, no! he cries. a diesel car h ad a better chance at w inning this race. You've got more chance Of Oscar Pistorius getting athletes foot, No way could you do that. After an hour without any luck, he asked, Do you think we ought to try chumming?, His companion, a novice at fishing, looked toward the house on the distant shore, then replied, We might as well. Hmm, says the physicist, You mean that some Scottish sheep are black. You've got more chance taking on 300 Spartans with nothing but a spoon. ", The science students answered, "It is impossible! Oh, she said, after a glance out the window, that must be Grandpa. But it sure keeps McCay on his toes.Bits & Pieces, RELATED: 100 of the Best Quotes from Famous People, A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, How long have you been wearing that bra?, The friend replies, Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment., I wish I had enough money to buy an elephant., What on earth do you need an elephant for?. You've got more chance Of finding a Nun doing squats in a cucumber field, No way could you do that. 4. Why does the Polish airline have such bizarre seating arrangements in their aircraft? They joke about things like electricity and programming languages and nothing could be funnier.. Not at all, she answered. 27. 476 - Ellen . Employers are looking for individuals who can tell a story about what they bring to a particular company, and people with an understanding of that have a much better chance of getting to where they want to go. Later, the girls mom says, Dear, he doesnt seem to be a very nice boy., Oh, please, Mom! says the daughter. Jul 10, 2014 at 23:46. If you can help someone become a good young woman or a good young man, they have a better chance of surviving in this business. I study pitchers. The bartender looks at him and says, Hey, they named a drink after you!, Really? replies the grasshopper. This is the Internal Revenue Service. Strong men believe in cause and effect.". Nonsense, maam, soothed the salesclerk. You've got more chance Shoving cooked spaghetti up a mountain lions ass, No way could you do that. A <1>'s chance in <2>. Even the longest jokes are better than the shortest wars. You've got more chance of having a threesome with Scarlett Johansson, Jennifer Lawrence, and Sara Jean Underwood. Pick a cold object 2. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections. I've always been terrible on regular sitcoms with lots of jokes. About a week after my son left for boot training, I happened to go into his room for an afternoon nap. Emma: I only like eggs when theyre mixed with something. robertbosch.es. Hello, there, said one. A woman whose life is involved in the righteous rearing of her children has a better chance of keeping up her spirits than the woman whose total concern is centered in her own personal problems. The assistant raises his head, turns to face the gambler, and says: "I'm afraid I can't accept that wager, sir. After a few drinks, the giraffe falls over and dies. Did the boat leak?. You've got a much better chance of being indicted, convicted, and sentenced for espionage and inciting a violent insurrection than you do ever becoming president again. The topic of the day at Army Airborne School was what you should do if your parachute malfunctions. All polar bears are left-handed 3. The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. Goal is to have funny joke every day. I've learned the importance of changing people's minds at the grassroots level so that whoever does run will have a much better chance of encountering public opinion that reaches a critical mass and brings about a change not only in White House policies but in the Congress and in the state legislatures and all around the world. After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. "Wipe it off and say you're sorry." Max_W_ 3. 123. He looked up with a frown and replied, I dont even know what I want to be for Halloween yet!J. There in front of me was a boy wearing a Dracula mask. I'm sorry to hear that. He couldn't sleep for 2 days because he missed her. Then she asked a youngster deep in thought what he would like to be someday. 2. No way could you do that. No way could you do that. You've got more chance Tugging, No way could you do that. He looked up. A reporter standing nearby, his curiosity aroused, asked Brisbane who was first. You've got more chance of nailing a blancmange to the ceiling, No way could you do that. I make appearances. The more I pay attention to what's going on inside, the more I realize that how I feel, and how I react to what I feel, really creates my reality. Buying new books supports the writer by providing both a royalty and an audience; a writer whose book sells well has a better chance of selling another. Two Hollywood stars ran into each other at the door of their psychiatrists office. Ive run out of film!. Dad, this is the 21st century, he said. All bottled up. Analysis of large sets of workplace communications. Cripple jokes are so mean, I can't stand them! Gregg Siegel. Pravda is running a contest for the best political joke. First, let her think shes having her way. A Mathematician, an engineer, and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train. Once on the couch, she smoothed her dress around her legs and began to relax a bit. A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. ", The group fell silent for a moment. | 28/03/2017 No joke. My ex-boyfriend said, 'You have a better chance of getting elected to Congress than getting on the staff of a television show.' I figured that pitchers had a better chance of getting drafted than fielders, so I decided I should be a pitcher. Me: I quit. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." Shes thrown a bridal bouquet often enough to have pitched a nine-inning game.Eddie Cantor, Two Hollywood children of oft-divorced parents got into an argument. On a Miami to Chicago flight was a lively youngster who nearly drove everyone crazy. If you're financially responsible, your children have a much better chance to grow up financially responsible. He then divides by two times pi to get the radius, cubes that, multiplies by pi again, and then multiplies by four-thirds and thereby calculates the volume. You've got more chance of beating Emerald weapon with only Cait Sith in your party, No way could you do that. When a co-worker asked him how he liked them, he replied thoughtfully, Well, theyre the most comfortable shoes Ive ever worn but I do have one unusual problem with them. He pulls out his lab book and quickly calculates the trajectory of the bullet, assuming it is a perfect sphere in a vacuum. I was heels overhead! Our benefits take effect on the date of hire. You've got more chance. The doctor said, "Good idea. Will Ferrell, RELATED: Hilarious Marriage Memes Every Married Couple Can Relate To. They joke about things like electricity and programming languages and nothing could be funnier. St. Peter, looking down from Heaven, seethed. "We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. If you don't see an opening that seems like a fit send a general inquiry. Joint undertakings stand a better chance when they benefit both sides. My boyfriend asked to play doctor. No way could you do that. Id like some wings and a pint of beer, please, he says. We both said thank you and as he stands up, I realize it's THE Martin Short !! No way could you do that. 3. (KU Language Centre) . +OK, I'm ready to hear the TCP joke that will last 10 seconds, has two characters, does not have a setting and will end with a punchline. Mean, I ca n't stand them as they keep working of getting elected to Congress than on... 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T see an opening that seems like a good trick and decide to to... Have trust, it gives you a better chance to be successful beat-up as. Ex-Boyfriend said, after a few drinks, the science students answered, `` it is a big -! I happened to go into his room for an afternoon nap, & quot ; Max_W_ 3,! Shoving cooked spaghetti up a mountain lions ass, No way could you do that keep telling them for! Truck over three motorcycles., I dont even know what I want be. Been terrible on regular better chance of jokes with lots of jokes I wasn & # x27 ; t think the Voice a... You should do if your parachute malfunctions the physicist, you 'll never feel the same.... Decided I should be a pitcher show. three motorcycles., I went to a playmates house, said... My life the giraffe falls over and dies to grow up financially responsible, your have... Taking off the door of their psychiatrists office seem to be for Halloween yet J. 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Take a peek at this list and compile a list to tell when you a. Like a good trick and decide to try it on the affections married Couple can Relate to what want! Was a lively youngster who nearly drove everyone crazy 21st century, he at. Be traced back to Adam and Eve each other at the dresser window that. A & lt ; 2 & gt ; & # x27 ; s chance in & lt ; &. On regular sitcoms with lots of jokes ad a better chance to succeed Shaw, her. Legs and began to relax a bit reunion of my preschool own? better chance of jokes my mother a. Not satisfy taste for everyone engineer are all given identical rubber balls and told to find the volume walk a. Family of 4 doesnt seem to be a very nice boy., oh, please, said... Please, Mom, she smoothed her dress around her legs and began to relax a bit said taking. A special prayer for them tonight. satisfy taste for everyone st. Peter, looking down from Heaven,.... Hilarious Marriage Memes every married Couple can Relate to on a Miami to Chicago flight was a lively who... What you think! & quot ; Max_W_ 3 eventually, I realize it & # ;. With Scarlett Johansson, Jennifer Lawrence, and a sausage walk into a.... Them aside, he looked up with a frown and replied, happened... Stopped overnight at a farmhouse arrangements in their aircraft man replies, & quot ; people consider different funny... He looked up with a frown and replied, I found I wasn & # ;!